Gender
Written March 5th, 2009.
[Note: the following is completely subjective and applicable to only me. I'm not trying to make universal-truth statements about gender - just about my perceptions of it and how I embody it in myself.]
I am a biological female. I identify as female. I love the female body (being mostly gay helps) and I love having a female body. I have no particular desire to permanently have a physiological male body (though I've gendershifted frequently, both behaviorally and even physically in many dreams).
I am not feminine, nor do I have a feminine build. (My definition of feminine is more along the lines of 'having characteristics considered normally or stereotypically female', rather than the more matter-of-fact 'having characteristics related to the physical female sex'. The same feeling-difference between the words female and girl, with feminine being on the girl side.) I'm tall, with broad shoulders and strong legs and layers of muscle beneath the softness of fat. My face is not delicate in feature, nor are my hands. I'm built like a cat - that core of strength, then a layer of soft and smooth atop it - and I even have the feline paunch to prove it. I am still female - I have the curves and the hips, the range of motion and the way of walking - but I am not feminine, neither in appearance nor mannerisms.
My gender-identity is more explicitly described by saying lioness-female. (I'm assuming my readers are familiar enough with the lack of sexual dimorphism in solitary cats, and the function of the African lioness in a pride, to get the jist of what I mean by that.) I identify as female because I don't consider one whit of the various female/male stereotypes to qualify as a female/male characteristic. I identify as female because I define female in my own terms, as a woman, as an animal person. Personality traits like delicate, gentle, emotional, passive, social, caustic, or controlling are not female or male in my head - they are simply human characteristics. Physical attributes like height, breadth of shoulder, musculature, and roughness or fineness of feature are not female or male in my head - they are simply human features. What is male and female are strict matters of biology - the genitals one possesses, the presence or lack of breasts, the menstrual cycle or absence thereof, a prominence of testosterone or estrogen in the blood. Everything else, while influenced by gender, is not determined by gender - it does not define gender. (Note: I am not trying to invalidate/question anyone's personal gender identification, whether or not it relates at all to the physical manifestations of biological sex. I've just noticed that most transgendered and androgynous folks that I know seem to have at least some form of body dysphoria about the presence or lack of certain sex-determined physical traits.)
Does that mean that, by stripping away all 'normal' psychological and physical criteria for determining gender identity, I'm placing myself so far outside the gender binary as to be unmeasurable by it?
I dress in boy clothes. I buy men's jeans, I wear boxers, I tend to get socks and t-shirts and jackets and shoes meant for guys. Female clothing is eye-candy on pretty girls, but I wouldn't be caught dead in it. I have boy-short hair and absolutely refuse to wear any kind of make-up. The jewelry I wear is not particularly delicate or fashionable - it's durable and it has personal meaning. I wear a single earring, which is typically a male thing. I hate pink, more for what it represents and is associated with than the actual color itself, and I shun anything that's considered girly, lady-like, or feminine - both in appearance and in activities.
I present myself as a tomboy or as soft butch. I can appreciate feminine women or effeminate men as pretty, but I have no attraction towards them - more androgynous or butch women, on the other hand, are like magnets. This is sexual orientation and preference, not gender identity - yes, I know - but it still ties into what appeals to me about females and what doesn't. Again, I find myself standing outside the standard binary. As a spectrum, which is how I normally regard gender - super-feminine on one far end, super-masculine on the other far end, and a gradient stretching between them - my preferences and my own traits tend to be somewhere in the masculine side of androgynous.
I get extremely offended and insulted if people consider me feminine, or assume me to be X because I'm female. (X can be a large number of things; the most common is 'physically weaker,' which gets the hackles up like nothing else.) I am a person - I absolutely refuse to be judged or categorized based on my physical gender. I honestly get really irritated when someone makes inaccurate presumptions about me solely because I'm female. If someone is super-athletic and brawny, I am not going to be offended if they point out that, yeah, they're stronger than me. That's due to physical fitness, not gender. But if gender is the only reason for someone's opinion, I will get pissed and promptly work to prove them very wrong - even if they're somewhat or entirely correct when one considers the bottom line. (This is one of the biggest reasons I've resumed working with weights; I don't like having weaker arms or less upper-body strength than physically active guys. So I'm fixing it.)
If I look at everything I just said, I sound incredibly butch and/or androgynous. I strongly identify as female because I am a lioness-person and I feel that in my bones; there is a huge difference between lions and lionesses, even in the solitary Barbaries, both physically and behaviorally. It's not something I could have possibly mistaken. Given my preoccupation with dressing as a guy or in at least a gender-neutral way, presenting myself as a person influenced but not defined by gender, and my general masculinity, I practically sound transgendered - except for that whole "I like having a female body" part.
However, this is what it is - there's never been any question about it, nor any label that fits. I am a lioness-person; I identify as female by my own definition; I present myself as quite androgynous and/or masculine; and I stand well outside the gender binary and have an odd spot on the gender spectrum. I have no idea what other people consider me, though I've heard the term 'butch' tossed around a comforting number of times (and I've been called a dyke on a bike when I told some friends I got a motorcycle last year - it was awesome). I've also had a few people ask me which set of pronouns I prefer, which delighted me - both for how they perceived me and for their gender-awareness in general. I am what I am, even though I have no idea how most people perceive my personal manifestation of lioness-female. It doesn't matter - it's never been something that's worried me. Fascinated and occasionally frustrated me, absolutely, but worried? Nah.
I'm me. I'm good with that.